I'd almost forgotten about this

Nativity panto

Na1: As now it's nearly Christmas time, we bring to you our pantomime. Not in the land of fairy-tale But in the land of Is-ra~el.
Na2: No Cinders here, no sisters spotty,
No Aladdin, no Jack, no giants grotty,
But wisemen, three, and shepherds, a few,
An ox and an ass and a camel too
Na1: So now it's time to set the scene,
Out upon the hillsides green,
Na2:Reclining there in slumber deep,
A group of "lookers after sheep".
Na1: The reason we've not called them shepherds
Is nothing rhymes with that but leopards,
And in Israel then there were very few,
Save those that lived in the Galilee Zoo.
Na2: All at once a flash of light
Fair gave those shepherds quite a fright.
Sh1: I can't believe what I am seeing
A shining great angelic being.
Ang: (quietly) Fear not,
Na2: ... it said with voice like thunder;
Na1: (sarcastic) That hardly rent the heavens asunder.
Ang: (a little louder) Fear not,
Na2: it said, in a slightly louder voice.
Na1: Who picked him for the part:
it's a pretty poor choice.
Ang: (shouting) Fear not,
Na2: it said. That made us quake.
Sh1: Are you sure you haven't made a mistake?
We're only shepherds, the very least;
Would you like a rabbi,
Sh2: perhaps a priest?
Sh1: A Levite, Scribe or Pharisee,
I'm sure you really can't mean me!
Ang: Fear not, I say, I bring good news!
Sh2: They're putting down the price of booze!
Ang: (slightly annoyed) For you in David's town this night
Is born a baby ...
Sh2: That's alright; It can't be mine 'cos I'm not married ...
Ang: (exasperated, losing temper)
This message from heaven I have carried,
So shut you noise, stop messing around,
Just get yourselves down to Bethlehem town.
Na1: So up they got and down they chased
To Bethlehem town they made great haste,
And saw the baby in the straw,
Sh2: Wow!
Na1: they cried, in great awe
Na2: They gathered round and had a peep,
They brought the child a woolly sheep,
Then off they went back to the fire
To talk about this new Messiah.
Na1: Meanwhile, in far-off Eastern clime,
Three wise men are having a chat, in rhyme.
Wi2: What's this icky-goo you say?
Wi1: It's frankincense;
It cost me lots of pay.
Wi2: It's smelly, sticky, and it's runny.
Wi1: Leave off, it cost me loads of money.
Wi3: Myrrh is mystic, dark, mysterious.
It speaks of death and all things serious.
A gift so strange to give a baby.
I wonder, am I mistaken maybe?
Wi2: I rub my lamp, see the genie appear!
Wi1: You twit! That's the panto we did last year.
You're supposed to bring a gift of gold
Wi2: Well I would've done if I'd been told.
But wait, although this lamps an old 'un,
I'm fairly certain that it's golden.
Wi3: A very long journey we must make,
Let's think of the things we'll need to take.
Wi1: We'll need roubles and lira and Japanese yen
And deutschmarks and pfennigs and cheque-book and pen.
Wi2: Now don't get yourselves in a state of distress,
Leave all that behind - take American Express.
Na1: So off they set upon the way
But oh those camels, how they sway!
And camels travel incredibly slow,
Wi2: Slower than British Rail, you know.
Wi1: But have some patience, please don't go,
We'll see you later in the show.
Na2: Get ready to boo, prepare to hiss
As we meet the villain, dont you miss
'Tis Herod the Great, or so he's called.
Tho' he's thin as a rake and going bald.
Her: I heard just recently of a baby
Born quite nearby, and thought that maybe
For my royal throne here's a contender,
But watch out! I can be quite a pretender.
Na2: Now as the town of Bethlehem dreams,
King Herod plots, King Herod schemes,
King Herod plans what he will do,
Now altogether, let's give him a boo! (Audience is encouraged to boo.)
Her: Oh please don't scream and please don't yell,
It really upsets me. Does it well!
Call out if you must, "Harod, adeiu"
I promise you this much; I won't mind you.
I'm cunning; a fox; a slippery snake.
When I find the kid, his life I'll take.
Na1: The wise men eventually did arrive. They don't make camels with overdrive.
Wi1: My camel only had first gear
So we've been travelling over a year.
Wi3: We've slept in the daytime,
We've travelled at night
So we could keep the star in sight.
Wi2: (producing "STAR" newspaper) It costs 20p and it's worth it, by jingo!
A way to keep up on the most recent lingo! (The other two hit him over the head with the paper)
Na1: Fearing no evil, suspecting no malice,
The kings went along to ask at the palace.
Wi3: Where will the baby king be born?
We've followed his star from dusk till morn
For many a mile for months on end.
Pray, which way now should our footsteps bend?
Na2: Herod seethed and Herod raged,
He was like a lion caged.
He wanted to shout and scream and swear,
Instead he whispered,
Her: Have a care;
Go find the child and when you do,
Tell me, so I can coochy-coo,
So I can rock and sway the child,
Treat him gently, treat him mild. (aside, to audience, more harshly)
And when you wise men are not looking
I'll hatch the plan that I've been cooking.
I'll kill the kid, I'll choke the brat,
Let's see you worship after that! (to wise men, nice again)
So off you go along your way,
See you later. Have a nice day!
Na1: They found the baby soon enough,
And gave their gifts of gold and stuff.
Wi2: I rubbed my lamp - but nothing occurred.
Wi1: That's last year's panto, or haven't you heard?
Na1: But late that night the wise men dreamed.
All was not as it had seemed. An angel appeared,
Wi2: or was it a genie?
Na1: He said,
Ang: That King Herod's a meanie.
Go home another way, and quick!
Wi2: I'm glad! That camel made me sick.
Na1: So off towards the East on foot they trotted,
Not back to the palace as Herod had plotted.
Na2: What's this? Is Herod getting rild?
The kings have scampered - and the child.
(The wise-men move about to rear of stage.)
(Herod searches for them in vain.)
But Herod would not let them go,
He searched high and he searched low.
Her: Come here, you jerks, I'm gonna find you.
Na2: Sorry Herod, they've miligned you.
Na1: Safe in God's hands, they fled with the child;
Joseph strong and Mary mild.
For news they waited of Herod's decease
For when they could return in peace.
They brought the child to Israel again.
He grew in favour with God and men.
Na2: The Lord was with him as he grew,
And pretty soon the Saviour knew;
The time was right for him to speak;
To set his face toward Holy Week.
Na1: If you liked our sketch in panto-style
Then muse on this thought for awhile:
Herod could not harm our Lord ...
The gift, the Savior, the Living Word